“Every relationship between two individuals or two groups will be characterized by the ratio of secrecy that is involved in it.” -Georg Simmel
**
Yuuri spent a fair portion of his teen years just… bewildered. It took all his energy just to try to figure himself out and he didn’t have a whole lot of mental or physical energy left over for peering into the hearts and minds of everyone around him. And yet people kept confiding in him!
There had been some references to pheromones in his science books at some point. Maybe he exuded truth serum from his pores?
Yuuri had no idea what was going on or what he could do about it, so instead he just tried to… endure.
** ** **
Yuuri’s not sure what made him follow Naoki into the bathroom.
They aren’t friends. Yuuri doesn’t have many of those, really. But Naoki’s never been mean or a bully, either, so when Yuuri caught a glimpse of the other boy’s scrunched up face and saw him wipe his sleeve over his eyes just before leaving their classroom, Yuuri allowed concern to overcome apprehension and followed him.
As Yuuri tentatively pushed open the door to the lavatory he heard the telltale sniffles coming from the stall at the very end of the row.
“Naoki? Are you… okay?” That was stupid. Gah! Why was he so stupid? Of course he wasn’t okay if he was crying in a bathroom, Yuuri, use your brain.
The sniffling stopped and Yuuri waited through a long, tense silence before the only closed door opened, revealing a splotchy-faced Naoki standing there.
“Do you need-“ Yuuri trailed off. This was a terrible idea. He had no idea what to do here.
“I almost cheated.”
The words were soft but filled with what Yuuri could only describe as loathing. He stood there staring dumbly at Naoki, unable to think of what to say.
Naoki walked over to the line of sinks along the wall and propped himself up with his hands on the sink and his head hanging low. He spoke directly onto the bowl of the sink rather than to Yuuri. “I can’t keep up. And I stayed up all night studying but I still didn’t feel like I knew anything. Math is my worst subject, but it’s my parents’ best, and they have such high expectations…”
Yuuri still couldn’t speak, even after Naoki trailed off to take a deep shuddering breath.
“And so when we took our exam, I could see over at your test book, and at Ai’s. I knew I could see some of your answers if I tried. And I wanted to. I really, really, wanted to because I don’t want to take another poor grade home. I hate to fail and I hate seeing my failure on my parent’s faces-“ Naoki broke off with a sob and turned towards the corner of the bathroom away from Yuuri, scrubbing his eyes with his sleeves. “I didn’t, though. I didn’t change my answers and I didn’t try to see more. But I wanted to.”
“That took strength.” Yuuri’s voice wavered for a moment, but he pushed on. “To face that temptation and to deny it. That is strength. And I know you probably think it was weak, maybe, to consider it. But you didn’t cheat, so you aren’t weak. You are the opposite. Because you got through it and stayed strong and did what you could. So that was honorable.” Yuuri ran out of words and stopped speaking abruptly.
Naoki let out a sound that was half laugh and half sigh. “Maybe. But now I’m an honorable failure who cries in bathrooms. That’s all everyone will be able to see. Not the rest of it.”
Yuuri didn’t know what to tell Naoki about the exam. Or about math or parents or guilt. But he did know what to do about putting yourself back together after crying. He took a strip of towels and soaked them in cold water before walking over to Naoki and handing them over his shoulder. “Put this on your eyes. It’ll help keep the swelling down.”
After a minute or two of exchanging cold paper towels, Naoki dried off his face and heaved his bag over his shoulder, heading towards the door.
“Thank you, Yuuri.” Naoki paused with his hand on the door handle, face downward as though studying the tiled floor. “Can you- Um. Please don’t…”
When he didn’t seem able to continue, Yuuri jumped in. “I won’t say anything. It’s nobody else’s business.”
Naoki didn’t look back at Yuuri and Yuuri could see him nod stiffly and take a deep, shaky breath before opening the door. Over the sound of the stragglers passing in the hallway, Yuuri could just make out the soft “Thanks” repeated back to him.
** ** **
“Have you ever been in love?”
Yuuri gasped in the middle of taking a sip of water and wound up sputtering and choking for several seconds while a laughing and clearly unrepentant Yuuko patted his back ineffectually.
“Wow, Yuuri. That was quite the reaction. Anything you’d like to tell me?”
“WHAT? No! No, no- you just caught me off guard and-“
“Relax, Yuuri,” Yuuko reassured, serious this time. “I’m kidding. About the second question. Not about the original one.”
“I, umm. I’m not sure that I’m the person to be talking to-“
“Yuuuuuu-ri! I’m not asking for your deepest darkest thoughts and secrets. I’m just-“ Yuuko sighed. “I just want to talk to someone about it and I trust you more than just about anyone else, but I’m not sure-“
Yuuri waited, but Yuuko didn’t continue. “You’re not sure that I can really relate?”
“Ummm, yeah.” Yuuko looked like she was regretting starting this entire conversation in the first place and began skating backwards a few feet. “Sorry, Yuuri.”
Yuuri leaned back against the barrier, resting his elbows on the ledge. “Even if I’ve never been in love before, not the real-life kind of love, I can still listen.”
Yuuko smiled at Yuuri, reversing direction and skating over to him, also settling against the wall.
Yuuri waited, without prompting her.
After several long moments, Yuuko took a deep breath and blurted, “So, Takeshi told me he loves me. Yesterday, after practice.”
Yuuri’s eyebrows rose and he turned towards her, but Yuuko wasn’t looking at him, instead her eyes were scanning over the sparsely populated rink and stands. “And…”
“And I said it back to him. And then, umm, ran away.”
“You… ran… away? Right at that moment?”
Yuuko wailed. “I panicked! And then he didn’t say anything to me at all in school today and I saw him in the halls twice.”
“Well, he may have been a little confused by the mixed messages. Maybe he’s giving you space.”
Yuuko crossed her arms over her chest and growled lowly for a moment. “Why would you tell someone you love them and then give them space?”
Yuuri tilted his head at Yuuko, as though that would help this conversation make more sense. “Why would you tell someone you love them and then run away immediately afterwards?”
Yuuko turned her glare from the stands to settle on Yuuri. “While I acknowledge your point, I also resent your rationality.”
“Duly noted, won’t happen again.”
Yuuri didn’t even resist when Yuuko reached out and shoved him, with only a hair more force than playfulness would dictate, allowing himself to slide backwards a few feet along the wall as he laughed.
Yuuko covered her face with her hands. “So what do I do now?”
Seeing a large figure step out onto the ice behind Yuuko, Yuuri smiled and beckoned him over. Takeshi froze, wide-eyed, for several moments before being jostled out of his daze by a knot of primary school skaters rushing to leave the rink.
“Well, you can start by talking to him.”
Yuuko’s head shot up and she threw her hands up in the air dramatically. “I don’t know what to say! Help me come up with something, please!”
“Just say what you told me. You love him. You freaked out. You’re worried. He’ll get it because he’s probably feeling most of that himself.” Yuuri glanced over Yuuko’s shoulder. “In fact, I’m willing to bet on it.
“I- I guess. Maybe I should practice saying it first. Should I write it down? Or maybe try-“
“Well, whatever you want to do, do it quickly, because he’s headed over here right now.”
Yuuko’s eyes bugged out and she whipped around to look at Takeshi skating up behind her then continued her spin until she was facing Yuuri again. How long has he been here? Why didn’t you tell me?”
Yuuri didn’t have time to answer before Takeshi slid to a stop a few feet away from them. His hair stood up in all directions and his jaw was tense.
“Yu-chan? Can I, umm, we talk?”
“I, well, I mean. Yes. Yes, we should.” She turned to Yuuri, fury forgotten for the moment. “I’ll see you later, Yuuri.”
“Bye Yuuko, Takeshi.”
Takeshi raised a hand in goodbye, turning and reaching that hand out towards Yuuko as he began to skate towards the far and currently empty end of the rink. After a moment, Yuuko reached her hand out as well and took it.
Watching them for a few moments more, Yuuri noticed how Takeshi shortened his strokes to match Yuuko’s and how Yuuko’s fingers curled around Takeshi’s, interlacing them together and holding on tight.
** ** **
Mari settled at the table next to Yuuri, setting a mug of tea slightly closer to Yuuri’s schoolwork than he was comfortable with and holding her own close to her body. She sat silently, watching him as he finished a few more lines in his book before reaching out and taking the mug, carefully, and bringing it to his lips.
“I don’t usually see you up this late working on your studies. Falling behind?” Mari’s eyebrows were slightly raised and there was just a hint of surprise in her tone.
“Trying to get ahead, actually,” Yuuri replied with a sigh. “If I can finish this tonight then I can focus more on training for the regional competition next week. Fewer distractions might help me focus better on my routine.” He drained half the tea and put the cup in the middle of the table.
“Huh,” was Mari’s thoughtful response.
It was several minutes and several more lines in his book before Yuuri heard her shift and place her emptied mug on the table near his. “Can’t say that I miss that.”
“What?” Yuuri asked, distractedly.
“The balancing acts, trying to fit everything in. Can’t say that I ever tried to get ahead, either.” She snorted softly. “Or did more than I really had to do to avoid hearing about it from my teachers or dad.”
Yuuri smiled and put his pencil down. “Yes, that’s a Katsuki for you. Flying under the radar is a specialty of ours.”
Mari cracked up at that, picking up a discarded piece of notebook paper, crumping it up, and throwing to bounce off of Yuuri’s head. “Yeah, rising junior figure skater brother of mine, tell me all about flying under the radar, why don’t you?”
“Very funny. No one outside of Hasetsu knows who I am, Mari.”
“Mari looked at him askance and Yuuri tried to ignore her expression.
“Keep telling yourself that, little brother, if that’s what you need to keep from needing to breath into a paper bag.”
“Hey!” Yuuri made a face at her. Mari remained silent long enough that Yuuri was on the verge of returning to his studies when she put her elbow on the table and proper her chin up on it, gazing off at the wall and avoiding eye contact with him.
“I always figured that I’d stay here and run the onsen with Mom and Dad. I thought about other things to do. I had to in the meetings at school. But nothing ever seemed like it was right for me other than here.” She sighed, long and low. “I don’t regret it now, but…”
Yuuri waited a moment to see if she would continue on her own. “But?”
Mari looked at him again. “I’m worried that someday I might. Regret not moving away, even for a little while. Regret not doing more. Seeing more. I mean, you’re my baby brother and you’ve already been to more countries through your skating than I’ve been to for any reason. What if, someday, I wake up and feel like I’ve missed out on my chance.”
Yuuri considered her words for several seconds. “Do you want to? Go, I mean. Right now? Go somewhere and have an adventure so that you can see if it’s something you need to do?”
“Not really. Like I said, I’m okay with being here right now. It feels right. And mom and dad rely on me.” Mari paused for a telling moment before continuing softly, “I like that.”
Yuuri tried not to think about how that made him the child that wasn’t present. At least not the way Mari was. He knew she didn’t mean it that way. Probably. He mentally directed himself off that path of thought. “Well, consider yourself invited along wherever I go, Big Sister. Cramped hotel rooms in exotic cities where you can explore all the crowded skating rinks your heart could desire.”
Mari snorted and grinned. “Careful, I might actually take you up on that.”
Yuuri smiled back at her. “Good. I wouldn’t want it any other way.”
[Fill] A Share of Joy and Sorrow - 3a
“Every relationship between two individuals or two groups will be characterized by the ratio of secrecy that is involved in it.” -Georg Simmel
Yuuri spent a fair portion of his teen years just… bewildered. It took all his energy just to try to figure himself out and he didn’t have a whole lot of mental or physical energy left over for peering into the hearts and minds of everyone around him. And yet people kept confiding in him!
There had been some references to pheromones in his science books at some point. Maybe he exuded truth serum from his pores?
Yuuri had no idea what was going on or what he could do about it, so instead he just tried to… endure.
** ** **
Yuuri’s not sure what made him follow Naoki into the bathroom.
They aren’t friends. Yuuri doesn’t have many of those, really. But Naoki’s never been mean or a bully, either, so when Yuuri caught a glimpse of the other boy’s scrunched up face and saw him wipe his sleeve over his eyes just before leaving their classroom, Yuuri allowed concern to overcome apprehension and followed him.
As Yuuri tentatively pushed open the door to the lavatory he heard the telltale sniffles coming from the stall at the very end of the row.
“Naoki? Are you… okay?” That was stupid. Gah! Why was he so stupid? Of course he wasn’t okay if he was crying in a bathroom, Yuuri, use your brain.
The sniffling stopped and Yuuri waited through a long, tense silence before the only closed door opened, revealing a splotchy-faced Naoki standing there.
“Do you need-“ Yuuri trailed off. This was a terrible idea. He had no idea what to do here.
“I almost cheated.”
The words were soft but filled with what Yuuri could only describe as loathing. He stood there staring dumbly at Naoki, unable to think of what to say.
Naoki walked over to the line of sinks along the wall and propped himself up with his hands on the sink and his head hanging low. He spoke directly onto the bowl of the sink rather than to Yuuri. “I can’t keep up. And I stayed up all night studying but I still didn’t feel like I knew anything. Math is my worst subject, but it’s my parents’ best, and they have such high expectations…”
Yuuri still couldn’t speak, even after Naoki trailed off to take a deep shuddering breath.
“And so when we took our exam, I could see over at your test book, and at Ai’s. I knew I could see some of your answers if I tried. And I wanted to. I really, really, wanted to because I don’t want to take another poor grade home. I hate to fail and I hate seeing my failure on my parent’s faces-“ Naoki broke off with a sob and turned towards the corner of the bathroom away from Yuuri, scrubbing his eyes with his sleeves. “I didn’t, though. I didn’t change my answers and I didn’t try to see more. But I wanted to.”
“That took strength.” Yuuri’s voice wavered for a moment, but he pushed on. “To face that temptation and to deny it. That is strength. And I know you probably think it was weak, maybe, to consider it. But you didn’t cheat, so you aren’t weak. You are the opposite. Because you got through it and stayed strong and did what you could. So that was honorable.” Yuuri ran out of words and stopped speaking abruptly.
Naoki let out a sound that was half laugh and half sigh. “Maybe. But now I’m an honorable failure who cries in bathrooms. That’s all everyone will be able to see. Not the rest of it.”
Yuuri didn’t know what to tell Naoki about the exam. Or about math or parents or guilt. But he did know what to do about putting yourself back together after crying. He took a strip of towels and soaked them in cold water before walking over to Naoki and handing them over his shoulder. “Put this on your eyes. It’ll help keep the swelling down.”
After a minute or two of exchanging cold paper towels, Naoki dried off his face and heaved his bag over his shoulder, heading towards the door.
“Thank you, Yuuri.” Naoki paused with his hand on the door handle, face downward as though studying the tiled floor. “Can you- Um. Please don’t…”
When he didn’t seem able to continue, Yuuri jumped in. “I won’t say anything. It’s nobody else’s business.”
Naoki didn’t look back at Yuuri and Yuuri could see him nod stiffly and take a deep, shaky breath before opening the door. Over the sound of the stragglers passing in the hallway, Yuuri could just make out the soft “Thanks” repeated back to him.
** ** **
“Have you ever been in love?”
Yuuri gasped in the middle of taking a sip of water and wound up sputtering and choking for several seconds while a laughing and clearly unrepentant Yuuko patted his back ineffectually.
“Wow, Yuuri. That was quite the reaction. Anything you’d like to tell me?”
“WHAT? No! No, no- you just caught me off guard and-“
“Relax, Yuuri,” Yuuko reassured, serious this time. “I’m kidding. About the second question. Not about the original one.”
“I, umm. I’m not sure that I’m the person to be talking to-“
“Yuuuuuu-ri! I’m not asking for your deepest darkest thoughts and secrets. I’m just-“ Yuuko sighed. “I just want to talk to someone about it and I trust you more than just about anyone else, but I’m not sure-“
Yuuri waited, but Yuuko didn’t continue. “You’re not sure that I can really relate?”
“Ummm, yeah.” Yuuko looked like she was regretting starting this entire conversation in the first place and began skating backwards a few feet. “Sorry, Yuuri.”
Yuuri leaned back against the barrier, resting his elbows on the ledge. “Even if I’ve never been in love before, not the real-life kind of love, I can still listen.”
Yuuko smiled at Yuuri, reversing direction and skating over to him, also settling against the wall.
Yuuri waited, without prompting her.
After several long moments, Yuuko took a deep breath and blurted, “So, Takeshi told me he loves me. Yesterday, after practice.”
Yuuri’s eyebrows rose and he turned towards her, but Yuuko wasn’t looking at him, instead her eyes were scanning over the sparsely populated rink and stands. “And…”
“And I said it back to him. And then, umm, ran away.”
“You… ran… away? Right at that moment?”
Yuuko wailed. “I panicked! And then he didn’t say anything to me at all in school today and I saw him in the halls twice.”
“Well, he may have been a little confused by the mixed messages. Maybe he’s giving you space.”
Yuuko crossed her arms over her chest and growled lowly for a moment. “Why would you tell someone you love them and then give them space?”
Yuuri tilted his head at Yuuko, as though that would help this conversation make more sense. “Why would you tell someone you love them and then run away immediately afterwards?”
Yuuko turned her glare from the stands to settle on Yuuri. “While I acknowledge your point, I also resent your rationality.”
“Duly noted, won’t happen again.”
Yuuri didn’t even resist when Yuuko reached out and shoved him, with only a hair more force than playfulness would dictate, allowing himself to slide backwards a few feet along the wall as he laughed.
Yuuko covered her face with her hands. “So what do I do now?”
Seeing a large figure step out onto the ice behind Yuuko, Yuuri smiled and beckoned him over. Takeshi froze, wide-eyed, for several moments before being jostled out of his daze by a knot of primary school skaters rushing to leave the rink.
“Well, you can start by talking to him.”
Yuuko’s head shot up and she threw her hands up in the air dramatically. “I don’t know what to say! Help me come up with something, please!”
“Just say what you told me. You love him. You freaked out. You’re worried. He’ll get it because he’s probably feeling most of that himself.” Yuuri glanced over Yuuko’s shoulder. “In fact, I’m willing to bet on it.
“I- I guess. Maybe I should practice saying it first. Should I write it down? Or maybe try-“
“Well, whatever you want to do, do it quickly, because he’s headed over here right now.”
Yuuko’s eyes bugged out and she whipped around to look at Takeshi skating up behind her then continued her spin until she was facing Yuuri again. How long has he been here? Why didn’t you tell me?”
Yuuri didn’t have time to answer before Takeshi slid to a stop a few feet away from them. His hair stood up in all directions and his jaw was tense.
“Yu-chan? Can I, umm, we talk?”
“I, well, I mean. Yes. Yes, we should.” She turned to Yuuri, fury forgotten for the moment. “I’ll see you later, Yuuri.”
“Bye Yuuko, Takeshi.”
Takeshi raised a hand in goodbye, turning and reaching that hand out towards Yuuko as he began to skate towards the far and currently empty end of the rink. After a moment, Yuuko reached her hand out as well and took it.
Watching them for a few moments more, Yuuri noticed how Takeshi shortened his strokes to match Yuuko’s and how Yuuko’s fingers curled around Takeshi’s, interlacing them together and holding on tight.
** ** **
Mari settled at the table next to Yuuri, setting a mug of tea slightly closer to Yuuri’s schoolwork than he was comfortable with and holding her own close to her body. She sat silently, watching him as he finished a few more lines in his book before reaching out and taking the mug, carefully, and bringing it to his lips.
“I don’t usually see you up this late working on your studies. Falling behind?” Mari’s eyebrows were slightly raised and there was just a hint of surprise in her tone.
“Trying to get ahead, actually,” Yuuri replied with a sigh. “If I can finish this tonight then I can focus more on training for the regional competition next week. Fewer distractions might help me focus better on my routine.” He drained half the tea and put the cup in the middle of the table.
“Huh,” was Mari’s thoughtful response.
It was several minutes and several more lines in his book before Yuuri heard her shift and place her emptied mug on the table near his. “Can’t say that I miss that.”
“What?” Yuuri asked, distractedly.
“The balancing acts, trying to fit everything in. Can’t say that I ever tried to get ahead, either.” She snorted softly. “Or did more than I really had to do to avoid hearing about it from my teachers or dad.”
Yuuri smiled and put his pencil down. “Yes, that’s a Katsuki for you. Flying under the radar is a specialty of ours.”
Mari cracked up at that, picking up a discarded piece of notebook paper, crumping it up, and throwing to bounce off of Yuuri’s head. “Yeah, rising junior figure skater brother of mine, tell me all about flying under the radar, why don’t you?”
“Very funny. No one outside of Hasetsu knows who I am, Mari.”
“Mari looked at him askance and Yuuri tried to ignore her expression.
“Keep telling yourself that, little brother, if that’s what you need to keep from needing to breath into a paper bag.”
“Hey!” Yuuri made a face at her. Mari remained silent long enough that Yuuri was on the verge of returning to his studies when she put her elbow on the table and proper her chin up on it, gazing off at the wall and avoiding eye contact with him.
“I always figured that I’d stay here and run the onsen with Mom and Dad. I thought about other things to do. I had to in the meetings at school. But nothing ever seemed like it was right for me other than here.” She sighed, long and low. “I don’t regret it now, but…”
Yuuri waited a moment to see if she would continue on her own. “But?”
Mari looked at him again. “I’m worried that someday I might. Regret not moving away, even for a little while. Regret not doing more. Seeing more. I mean, you’re my baby brother and you’ve already been to more countries through your skating than I’ve been to for any reason. What if, someday, I wake up and feel like I’ve missed out on my chance.”
Yuuri considered her words for several seconds. “Do you want to? Go, I mean. Right now? Go somewhere and have an adventure so that you can see if it’s something you need to do?”
“Not really. Like I said, I’m okay with being here right now. It feels right. And mom and dad rely on me.” Mari paused for a telling moment before continuing softly, “I like that.”
Yuuri tried not to think about how that made him the child that wasn’t present. At least not the way Mari was. He knew she didn’t mean it that way. Probably. He mentally directed himself off that path of thought. “Well, consider yourself invited along wherever I go, Big Sister. Cramped hotel rooms in exotic cities where you can explore all the crowded skating rinks your heart could desire.”
Mari snorted and grinned. “Careful, I might actually take you up on that.”
Yuuri smiled back at her. “Good. I wouldn’t want it any other way.”
** ** **